"nothing left to lose" - matt kearney
somedays you just feel like giving up.
man today's been a rough day. :P i've been kinda going autopilot the last few days. yesterday was a pretty tough day, it is every year, but i let a lot of things go too. clean slate time. i guess this is what letting goes all about. you'll always have a place in my heart Del, miss ya bro... but you know i'm in good hands.
the messages are gone from my phone, everything in boxes from the past ready to be let go. made a promise, i'll do things right.
oh man. how freaking boring this desk is to work at. there is not much to do but sit here and look pretty, lol. i can't believe this desk gets paid more than me too. lol. don't get me wrong, i understand he role and importance of this desk. doesn't change that it's still boring... i am literally doing nothing but smiling at peoples and writing my blog. lol. oh well. i am done.
cool news. bun girl has a simpson quote generator on her blog. props!
Unbelievable...
this week i'm fasting. a few things..which i'm giving up, include meat, till the 28th. i'm doing it to get some clarity on some things in my life right now. well guess what.... it's rib fest on sparks st. right outside my office door. wow. lol. it's ok though.. it's easy when it's to hear God's voice (right?).. despite the noise.. and smell of ribs..cooking over hickory. i'm missing the things i'm fasting, but it's ok to miss... dang... how come all the things i'm fasting smell so good? oh rib fest (i've been waiting a whole year for it to come around).... wow, i'll be ok. lol. soy burgers, eggs, lentils, bread and salad for me... gotta work out more. it's only a week.
sushi of the all-u-can eat variety
the kings mustache.. and the geek in the pink
I meant it all and every part And every word right from the start I'll never let this love fall in the middle So here's the deal. I'm looking around and i don't get what the deal is with everything. From what i see, there's 3 people being hurt here. I a'int going to play the who's hurting more, who's right, who's wrong. Fact is everything that we're doing sitting around feeling sorry about how person A is harming person B and Person C is harming Person A and Person B is harming person A and that's just a really confusing sentance.
Right now i'm going to say i've been wrong. And i'm going to say i'm sorry. Not to anyone but my Lord. This 'thing' or whatever it is, has gotten me to the point where i want to take myself out of the game. It's gotten other people to want to take themselves out of the game. It's made us have excuses, so we don't have to be living our lives for God. Here's the fact. We are all put here for a reason. The 3 of us, have at some point or another in our lives said, God i want to live my life for you. Whether it's putting Him first, or relentlessly pursuing who God wants you to be, or pursuing God's heart.
So what's going on that we can't live our lives for God in the place He's placed us. If you think you are then good for you. I'm just saying that right now, i'm not going to make excuses, i've let this get to me... and it's affecting me. I told God i'd live for Him, i meant it, i don't care the cost to myself anymore. I'm sorry i've been selfish and i'm sorry if i've harmed people along the way. I accept the consequence of my actions. Will you?
'Cause you know you broke the hardest part You know you broke the hardest heart I'll never let this love fall in the middle Through it all So here's the deal. I'm going to take full responsibility for everything. I'm not going to even let anyone argue with me on this one. So the thing is no one has any reason to feel sorry for themselves, you haven't done anything wrong. It's all on me. Here's the deal part. You no longer have an excuse to not live your lives for God, like you all have said you want to. God broke my heart a long time, he broke it harder than anything. You see it was more than just that relationship in the past... I had been holding onto a bitterness for a long time. My best friend dying in 1997. You know how me not closing that door killed so many of my relationships with people? It was the last nail that took someone out of my life, and i really don't think it was hurt fault. I lived 7 years like that. It's up to each one of us, what we hold on to, and what we put into God's hands.
Fifteen years old in a sea of blank faces Swimming bold against a stream that's mocking as it races In these halls, mountain high under a tangerine sky Crack a smile just to hide the race that's inside Eighteen years old bags packed and a pass for the rail One last look at the past as it drowns in the hail One in a million, still I keep feeling you keep me from a fall A world to lose coming back with you tall Through it all I'm leaving at the end of summer. More and more that's clear. I've been getting a lot of, you have to leave on good terms. I really would love to and i will put any effort i can to making that a reality. If that does not come about though and i do my part, i can't control anyone elses actions. I'll still have to go. It's like my dad said last year that brought me to tears.
(CHORUS) No parachutes no safety nets here One foot on the water to face these fears I'm coming out strong like I can't be wrong I said "hey, I won't fall in the middle" This is nuts. You both may hate me for posting this, but it needs to be said. I won't jeopardize either you not walking the way God wants you, to be liked, it's not brave or selfless, it's because i can see what you can both do to reflect and magnify the glory of the cross. Don't give up on the opportunity God's giving you this summer. Oh it's hard, i don't doubt that. But Christ walking that road with the cross and carrying it on his back, being mocked and shouted at by the crowds of people who only a week before were 'on His side'. The very people He was here to help. I have no excuse. I call myself a follower of Christ. You have no excuse, if you call yourself a follower of Christ. Why make it any harder for ourselves.
Twenty five here I am with freshman lp's One life to write one, two years to repeat Behind a cutain, uncertain if an encore's in store Tuck my shoulder like a soldier to knock down the door Thirty something here I'm running with kisses for one girl These scars upon my sleeve still casting out my pearls Throw each stone microphone like it's my last turn With a kiss to the abyss and watch the ripples return(CHORUS x2) You know what's funny, i've been thinking about a point of view that was brought up in guys group. Why live our lives for Christ, if not for eternal life. I guess it's a waste of time. Let's look at it this way. Christ died for us as Christians already. You know what we really don't need to do anything else. We have salvation, if you honestly decided to accept Christ as your saviour. You choose to belive that there is a perfect God that exists, and He created us to worship Him and have a relationship with Him. You choose to believe that we (being the human race) screwed up and let this thing called sin, come between God and us and we can't do anything to bridge that gap. You choose to believe that God didn't give up on humanity, and his answer was through Jesus Christ being of God, but born in flesh and blood like you and i, only to give up life, by dying for us in a humiliating way, on the cross and why? so we could be able to chill with God the way He intended. Then You choose to accept all these things. Then you gots the eternal life thing. You don't have to do anything more than that to get eternal life. I ask you then why live your lives for God then? Why would i choose to live my life for God because of that? Is a life lving for Christ wasted, since the reward of eternal life is already guaranteed at the point you accept Christ. Go out and make money, fame, and more. For me. I choose to live my life because i know that it don't belong to me, i didn't even deserve eternal life, yet God wants to have a relationship with me. '
Heaven, is full of people that are forgiven. Hell, is full of people that are forgiven." (Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell). So, yah i'm sorry Jesus that i've been so focused on myself lately, my hurt, my life, my whatever, that i've taken my eyes of you.
And I'm gonna be alright, I'm gonna be alright With you by my side And I said I'm gonna be alright, I'm gonna be alright With you through this fight Through it all (CHORUS x2) Trusting God's grace i'm posting this. All these lies that we've been surrounded by, that we've let into our hearts and minds. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, the Almighty that they be shattered and that the deciever will get lost. We don't want you here, in Christ's name. Yah i've taken it all me, and i've put right back into God's hands. I know i'm not the one doing anything, everything i've done, has been enabled because of my God. I was reminded yesterday by someone of a song "Come home running" by Chris Tomlin, so yah you know what,i'm sorry i made it about something other than you Jesus.
I meant it all and every part And every word right from the start I'll never let this love fall in the middle Through it all
I accept the consequence of this post. If you guys think what i've said is wrong and never wish to speak to me again, alright. I really just want you guys to live out your lives for Christ, cuz i know it's what you've said you've wanted to do. I hope some healing can begin, cuz i can't live like this, it a'int right. Now i know a lot of people will want to comment. It's not your place. This is about 3 people and God. Don't talk about
this post among yourselves or with any of us. If you want to help...
stop talking and start (or continue) praying... we need it, cuz nothings going to happen without God. Let's bring our lives and everything back to Him.
Song: "In the Middle" by Mat Kearney
Verses: Hebrews 12, Hebrews 12:15, Deuteronmy 29:18
baby ryder after a feeding
LOL. k... um.. thanks Cal for the comment and Geoff too.. sorry for the delete. I'll clarify the post. I guess i just pretty much know that i won't be in Ottawa in September. I have two opportunities already open, one in Singapore (which i have mentioned to some people) and a more recent one in Australia. It's still up to God to open or close those doors and to still my heart. As for leaving Ottawa, i dunno, i just think it's time. There's a lot of loose ends and things being tied up here. Doors being closed here and others opening elsewhere. Some people have said to me that they do believe i'll be gone in September (sounds kinda like a Wyclef song.. "Gone till September" though lol). The part about being hurt in how you serve.. yesterdays post was something sitting in my draft box of my gmail account for awhile. It stemmed from a conversation i had with Pastor Dave and Pastor James, seperately... it was a thought i had about disappointment and hurt in serving. A reminder to myself i guess that despite all that happens, what's the reason i continue to serve.
Jesus. So i take a look at His life. Hebrews 12 is one of my favourite chapters, because of how it tells you to keep perservering, too remember those who 'blazed the trail before you'.
As that song goes.. by Bran Van 3000... "I get knocked down, I get up again.. your never gonna keep me down". (oh how annoying that song is... now it's stuck in my head). **EDIT** the song is not by Bran Van 3000 (i was thinking of Drinking in LA, lol they came out around the same time though.. Danny pointed out.. it's called "TUBTHUMPING" by Chumbawumba,
thanks Tank!)
More to post later today.
"All i had was just a vision, all i had was my ambition, your love without condition kept me swinging when i'm missing.." Bullet - Mat Kearney
It's been. A trying month to say the least. I dunno what to say really. More and more i'm looking forward to leaving in September. I know that i haven't been accepted yet to Calgary but i think i'm just going to leave neways at this point. I could be starving and working at Starbucks somewhere or other, but i think i need a change of scenery. As long as it's where God's leading me to, whether there's hurt or there's pain, i'm cool with what He has for me. I maybe in tears but knowing that it's His will, i know i can. I guess it's just sacrifice... serving others a'int fun all the time. Your going to get burned sometimes. But Christ had it worse... i guess with that in mind, i can't really complain. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
"..i can hear your voice now screaming out, 'son listen' get on up, don't give up, though you struck opposition time to buck all that stuff, find out what's your condition like a pull in my soul, like keys in my ignition call you all my commission, my love and my vision and… it doesn't matter if they call me wrong doesn't matter if they steal my song doesn't matter if we're all alone it doesn't matter at all 'cause i would take a bullet for you. " Bullet - Mat Kearney
