"to all those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love"

Gathering Thoughts

I don't know where my life has gotten to.  I don't know sometimes how i make it through a day.  I question my own abilities and I question my own abilities and my own choices i've made the last few years.  I don't doubt my calling, I doubt whether or not I am doing enough to follow it.  I know there are times i struggle with it, and maybe all the difficulties the last few years have stemmed out of that.  I know that God has afforded me grace, and i don't know if I can keep going.  There are only a few days left for me to finish off this semester and i don't know if i'll finish off well.  I truly am beat up by this process. The straw that broke this camel's proverbial back happened about a month ago... and i don't think i've recovered.  I'm a shell of who i was and i don't really know who i am.  I've been sick and i've been healed.  I've been poor and i've been given what's needed.  I've had what little i have been taken away and i've been blessed with so much.  I've had so much sorrow and experienced so much joy.  There has been a lot of rain and there has been sunshine.  I feel like a yo yo and it's been tiring trying to live in grace everyday.  but i guess everyday is grace. 

why do i do this?  am i making a difference in the world?  i look around at the world and sometimes i don't feel like i'm bringing the kingdom of God to the world by going to school here...  i don't feel like i'm even making an impact on anyone.   Maybe that's my question of why i'm here or not... the suffering is only worth it, not for the benefit of my own character building... that doesn't matter to me.  The suffering is only worth it if it brings glory to God... if it brings even the smallest piece of the kingdom of God to those around me.  It's never really about me... maybe that's why i never get an answer that suits me when i complain (and i do complain a lot) about everything.  I'm sick of hearing that it's building character, it might comfort others but i don't care so much about the benefit for myself as i do about the impact that i have in helping people just be better, to feel loved and experience something bigger than anything on this earth or the stars in the sky.  Just some thoughts of my heart... don't know what else to think... it's a mess in my head and it's a mess in my heart.

posted by SilQ @ 2:08 AM