"to all those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love"

Loneliness

"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown" (King Henry IV, Part II, act 3, scene 1, line 31)

Being in leadership and called to full time ministry, i knew often that the idea of loneliness that pastors and others in full time ministry feel is great.  I just never expected it to be as great as it is, until it's experienced.  You'd think that despite being around people a lot, and having a community that supports you, you shouldn't feel lonely.

Yet it seems things change a lot when your in this role in your church.  For the most part, unless you make an event happen or start it, chances are your not invited... the schedule is so different from that of other peoples that when you have a day off, everyone is usually working.   Friendships and relationships change. 

I'm not complaining... maybe i am... i'm just saying this is what it's like.

You take on others problems, and your to remain having "a greater faith" because your an example.  Yet being called and walking the calling people just assume that your faith won't give out, and that you don't struggle.  It's shocking when pastors fall because they aren't suppose to.  In away being in ministry today we are dehumanized.  We are also partly to blame for this, because we project an image of having it together, even when we don't.  But we are human.  Being called to something with a certainty of nothing but what God's will... having to give up full control of every aspect of your life, from finances to relationships to where your going to be... is so tough. 

It's been especially tough lately, being single and in ministry is whack.  The lack of support system is heightened i think without one to walk with you on this road, someone you can talk to, cry to and be vulnerable in every way to.  As people who care for people you take on their problems and their sorrows along with their joys, but without a release it wears out on you (not that we mind, and it's what we are called to do... it's just we care... and that's why we hurt for those we are caring for).  I ain't a pastor yet, but i am on the path towards it... and i know that i have my own doubts in my own ability.  I'm human.  It's tough when it feels like your path your called too, sometimes hurts those who you are called to.  I don't even know if i want to be in a relationship with anyone anymore, it's hard when it feels like your hurting someone... and yet your confronted with the choice of where God calls you without compromise.  I want someone to just choose me for once... not just part of me, but my calling as well, cuz that is a part of me.  It's not just romantic relationships, it's the stresses on family, where i know my mom cares about me, and doesn't want me to live recklessly, but i know too that I'm not being reckless with the decisions i make... they are prayed through, thought out and require a great deal of faith that words of doubt shakes.

I act the fool often.  People don't know how deep i think sometimes.  I'm a former football player, i give off a male arrogance like everything i can handle.  I know this.  I am good at solving problems and i know my ability and my limitations.  And their is confidence... i'm not quick to admit i'm wrong (it's a short coming i recognize and am working on).  But it's been lonely lately... and it's messing with my faith a bit.  I wonder if i should just get back to a "normal" life like my friends, buying houses and cars, going back to my 60-70k a year and the 9-5.  It wouldn't mess up those around me, and it would be soooo much easier.  The grass looks pretty green on the other side from here... yet i know... that's all it is... it looks greener.  But is it.  I know I'd lack the joy and the passion, it'd be for the paycheque and simplicity. It'd be for me.  My life isn't mine though.  It never was.  So i know i'll keep going.  I hope i don't withdraw like i know i do sometimes, I've always been scared of letting people get close to me, i do things to push away... and i know I'm worried now when i'm scared i'll involuntarily hurt them like it's been happening.  I know i can't be just surface with people, but do people really want to know the transparency... i'm in ministry and my transparency can change a persons perception of the "holiness" of what they expect in a pastor.  I'm so flawed.  I never asked for this calling... and i know i tried to run so many times...

I guess that's the dynamic of this change... with friends and even your own family the role has changed... i guess i'm feeling lonely even in the crowd.

Just some thoughts, and struggles... i'm not looking for sympathy, just saying what i'm feeling and how it is... c'est la vie right? keep walking and keep fighting.  I'm starting to realize more what Christ felt, and that's never a bad thing.

posted by SilQ @ 1:54 AM