"to all those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love"

 

I decided today i'm not going to toronto for this weekend.. there's too much to do and so much uncertainty about stuff.  Don't even know where i'm going to be living next week..but to quote Lionel Ritchie in his Commodores days "i'm easy.... easy like sunday morning".  Life's tough, buy a guitar. That's my mission this weekend.  I think i'm going to get an electric this weekend, i've already been calling for prices at a couple of stores this weekend, yo if anyone wants to buy a guitar or something come with me... then we can try and deal.  Gotta come up with a name for her... hmm... i guess i'll know when i play her.  (impulse buy? possibly...but meh... i'm tired of my eyebrow ring. :P just gotta figure out how to take it out .. lol)

 

Hey, i used to have a little bit of a plan, used to have a concept of where i stand
But that concept slipped right outta my hand, Now, i dont really even know who i am
Yo, what do i have to say, maybe I should do what i have to do to break free and
Whatever happens to u, we'll see, But it's not gonna happen with me"
 

-Believe me (Fort Minor)

 

Every song has a coda, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away. Every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music?
 

 

 

tis·sue (tsh ) n.

 

 

I'm sitting here thinking about scar tissue.  I have this knee which is scarred by so much damage i've done to it both in my teens and most recently 2 years ago.  There's this big scar that runs across the top of it, right over the knee cap.  I don't know if anybody has a scar or not, especially in an area like your knee, elbow, ankle, shoulder, hip or ankle (more elastic places on your body), but when it's about to rain, or a storm front wants to break for a few days do you ever get discomfort and pain.  That when it's going to rain, if i poke at it the nerves just really cause it sting.

 

In the March 4, 2006 edition of New Scientist magazine, page 97, issue 2541. This was printed. "The human body can be viewed schematically as a clump of gelatin-filled balloons mounted on a stick. Undamaged tissue - be it fat, muscle, or bone - is relatively elastic and will expand and contract when subjected to changes in atmospheric pressure. Scar tissue, in contrast, is very stiff and dense, and does not expand or contract appreciably within the range of normal atmospheric fluctuation.

 

Scar tissue is what's left after your wounds have healed.  I often say that i have made bad choices in my life, that have left me with scars on my heart.  I use that term appropriately because those scars of the heart, though the wound have healed also present the same quality that scar tissue does on your physical body.  During stormy weather or rain showers, it's just that much more sensitive, touch it and all the pain can come back in an instant. 

 

My little brother is going through some stuff right now, and i've been where he is, angry and confused.  I've asked the same questions that he's been through with the loss of his friend recently.  I carry that scar.  I questioned God time and time again over it.  I carry that scar.  Often times i see what my parents do and say they do but i don't see them do it with us. They have this cookie cutter idea of what Christianity is about and if we don't do it there way it's wrong.  It's not uncommon in our church or our parents generation.  This only pushes and distracts away from Christ. I carry that scar.  I've been very patient with my little brother, over the last few months he's grown, even starting to show signs he may want to go back to church.  I woke up this morning, my spirit troubled by the feeling that something was going to happen, an ache a pain, scarring before a storm? Moments later angry words erupted downstairs.  In 5 minutes, words were exchanged and the action of my brother to my parents was to say "well i don't need this.", as he threw his bible out the door.  I ran after it, i cried and blew up at my parents.  My mother claims it isn't her responsibility.  She says we all make our own choices.  There is no way that the responsibility can be shrugged off by them.  I am responsible and my older brother is responsible, this is my brother.  I'm sorry mom and dad but to be real with you, you can go off and do missions and bring the message of deliverance to 1000 people.  But today was wrong.  I carry those scars too.  There's no way i can justify losing my little brother and take no accountability for it.   

 

Why am i going back to school?  Why do i want to do what i want to do?  I want to pursue who God wants me to be, relentlessly.  I want to magnify Christ not only in my life but when the day God calls me home to Him.  I see a lot of people i grew up with, not wanting to even go to church, disgusted by it. I've been there, you wanna see the scar? I know people who just go because there's an expectation there of them to go by their parents, or even expectations of an image they've created for themselves.  There is no cookie cutter formula of how a Christian should act or speak, what clothes they should wear, what type of music they should listen to.  Come as you are, Christ made you ... praise Him with the abilities he gave you, if it's HipHop music, Country, Alternative or Polka, praise Him with that.  If it's a paint brush, pencils, spray paint or crayons, praise Him with that.  If it's poems, books, reading, speaking or making funny noises, praise Him with that.   

 

Yah i've made mistakes, i have the scars to prove.  When the storm comes it aches.  When you touch it, it hurts.  It's the scars i carry.  But i bow at the foot of the cross... that's where my burdens go, that's where i cry, that's where i don't let the past control my present or future and that's where i find my strength to keep walking.

 

 

Peace

 

-The rundown-

date: circa. December 1982.

location: Ontario, Canada

 

A family new to Canada less than a year.  Christmas is approaching and their eldest boy is enrolled in school.  Not totally understanding or influenced by the north american culture yet, he is introduced to some concepts of Christmas by a friend from kindergarten.  The child, being a child, returns home and speaks with his father, curiosity of the world overflowing.  "dad, my friend told me at school that his father just spent $200 on a big tree for Christmas.  daddy i know we don't think you have enough money for something like that, but if you lend me that (points to a small saw), i can go over there (points outside to the park) and i can get us a tree"... the father shocked responds "no son, you can't just cut a tree down anywhere it's not right"... the son.."but daddy it's just a tree.." Trusting his father, the boy relents.  The father watches as his 5 year old son walks away, dissappointed and heart broken.  His heart breaks.  His son was right, new to the country, he barely makes enough to make ends meet to survive, he does not have the money to buy a tree, it is his families first Christmas in Canada and he has no money even for gifts, they are only surviving. How much does his heart break.  As a father he wishes to more than just provide for his family, he wants to give them what they want... more than just survival.  How much can his heart break?  He cries.  Inside and out.  He prays.  He has no resolve in this matter and knows not what to do.  Darkness and tears are what he's left with as the night consumes his slumber, he looks at his three children, the wife who has chosen to follow him.  He wonders if it was a mistake to leave to this cold, lonely place.  He wonders if his steps where miscalculated and if it is his family that will bear the burden of a misjudged step.  His heart breaks, sleep overcomes him. These are the thoughts he closes his eyes to.  These are the thoughts that consume his heart.

 

A new day. Hope? How can there be hope? Inadequacy.  Why should they suffer?  Am i too proud? Please God don't let them suffer.  These are the cries of his heart as he awakes.  I came for you Christ.  I named the youngest one "God with us".  I'm torn.  His brother in law walks in, and brings him the mail.  A letter, no return address?  A bill? An advertisement? He opens it hopeless and half hearted.  He cannot believe his eyes.  He sees a cashiers cheque for $400.  It says, for your Christmas celebration.  Anonymous. The shock.  The doubt.  Is it real? Is this a joke? Is someone so cruel as to play on his heartache? No one else knows but my wife though.

 

Christmas. A tree.  New clothes for his wife and children. Chicken legs..it's not a turkey, but it's something special and his wife has prepared it with all her love.  He understands where the cheque came from.  He's humbled.  The tears he falls asleep too are not tears of sadness or heartache, rather tears of thanksgiving for the grace and favour God has shown him.

 

-----my turn-----

yo. what a story.  i just heard it for the first time tonight. i can't even imagine.  i wasn't the kid if you were wondering.  that was my older brother.  yah it's real. i'm shocked.  i was too young to remember, but i don't doubt it.  my dad said he has told me this story before... maybe he has, but i don't think so.  that was my first Christmas in Canada. i'm in tears as i write this. 

 

God. people wonder why i believe in God. some people wonder why i'm a Christian.  i've even wondered why sometimes i just act in faith and just feel things are going to work out, cuz God's in control.  maybe i do remember it, just not all of it.  It's things like that, that have happened in my life that humbles me now before him.  He provided for us.  Who else would know? From where i'm from to where i am.  I really can't fathom asking him for much more, he already knows and he wants to give us the best.  How great is my God?  Some of you may think $400 is not a big deal (btw it was somewhere around there..i was kinda choked up and didn't hear the real amount)... but to me, it means so much more right now. Love. yah. Provision. yah. God. no doubt.

 

"and how can i stand here with you... and not be moved by You?" - Lifehouse 

 

Peace.

 

What a title. It's probably really confusing for most of you reading it. JUST ACCEPT IT! So i'm sitting here thinking about when we recently went to toronto, almost three weeks ago. (bad sentence structure..but it's my blog and a'int gonna care if it's any good with the grammar kekeke lol)  It was a weekend road trip with a person i kinda knew and someone i just met that day.  We ended up having an awesome time, renewing a friendship, growing a friendship and making a new one.  It was easily the best road trip i've ever taken.  I was sitting there thinking wow this weekend is going to be full of uncomfortable silence.  Rather it was a weekend of fun and totally cool doing whatever. crazy shopping and tower of death aka CN Tower.  more to come...

 

so after talking to a friend of mine, it was suggested that i should go on a technology fast. so this is what i'm going to do the rest of easter.  no phone or internet past this point. i'm sorry i've been ignoring my phone all day it's been silent and i don't know if anyone is calling. it's a pretty big thing for me to not be available with these things.  but i need the quiet to reflect on Christ's sacrifice for my life and to just listen for what he has to say to me.

 

 

 

Thanks God. Just reminded about something the other night. This is for someone i truly cherish and has always been a blessing in my life.  Thanks for the encouragement. Despite my fortress of solitude.  You reminded me of what a true Christ centred relationship and friendship is about.  I know you walk this path with me, never too far you can't reach out and encourage me or sometimes just listening when i most need it.  There was a lot of beauty in the words you chose... and it was in the simplicity and realness. that made it stand out.  " This is what we do: we pray and we listen" 

 

so i'm sitting here at work... i hate it. like i'm really really hating it. yah that's not new, but i think i'm going to quit one of these two positions very soon...(hopefully quit both).

 

i'm sick. still. it's been almost a week. i've been good and not really done anything to stress it out.. i slept so much. i kinda have half my voice back.. but not really, it's like ready to go anytime. grrr. i can't even do anything, if i work out or run i'll feel even worse after.

 

kinda blah... i think i need to be left alone. i wish i had a fortress of solitude, like superman. so anyways if you try and call me tonight i probably won't answer, don't take offense that i'm ignoring or whatever. i just don't want to talk. i don't even think i'm going to let jack bauer in tonight. :P

 

meh c'est la vie. gotta keep living, what else can u do.

 

it's been some week... i've been up and down, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, sometimes not even moving.  yet i've been pretty happy. a lot of weight of my shoulders this weekend. a friend saw me the other day and messaged me the next day. asked me how my heart was. cuz it looked a lot lighter to them. i was surpised but i guess when your heart is lighter you can see it. life is beautiful, despite the dark clouds. it's like rain. you can always find something to be thankful and joyful about.  the freshness of the rain. the way it just is. perfect showers from heaven. damn i love the rain.

 

 

I had a great weekend... but i'll write more about that later. 

 

I wanted to write about Christ in Culture, this came up in the conversations we had while we were travelling... it's also i think a class that anna and trix are taking during their time here in ottawa. It just kinda got me thinking a lot about Christianity in relation to our current society.  I kinda feel that Christ has gotten a bum wrap cuz of somethings that the church states must be done or what not. It's kinda messed up when i think of it.  Like Christ a'int just for a person of a certain ethnic culture, classist culture, or whatever, he's universal and he came for everyone.  Often times Christians act a certain way and i know and have seen that some of their actions and comments have totally shoved people off from even just giving Christ a chance, that's sad.  And before i suddenly get all these comments from people, saying i'm a Christian and i don't act like this... just chill a minute and listen... there's a history of the church thats sad, and i a'int pointing fingers at anyone... if you feeling defensive, check it with God not me. 

 

Going to church and being a Christian doesn't mean i'm a better person than any other person in the world.  As Christians we walk around with this perception that we're so much better than anyone else.. because i believe i a'int going to hell or i have some sort of moral compass or something that's better than someone else.  I think this can be kinda of a touchy subject... and i a'int saying that all Christians are like this, i a'int even saying the majority of Christians like this... i am saying though is that it's the negative that people see more clear than the positive.  In no way shape or form can i say i'm perfect, that i don't struggle with sin and that i don't fail.  And yes i am a Christian.  Do i know people who are of other faiths who are better people than me.  Heck ya.  Does that change that i'm a good or bad Christian?  What is the meaning of that term Christian? It a'int a genre, it a'int a word used to describe a behaviour.. last i checked it meant a follower of Christ.  Yah i strive to follow Christ, unfortunately i fail... damn i'm a wretched man, yet God's always been there for me to pick me up, i rely on Him to do and enable in me the things i need to do.  I don't do things and feel i'm a good Christian and boast... it's not like that cuz i really do think i a'int doing anything it's Christ who is, and i'll boast only in the cross.  It might not make sense to boast in something as morbid as a contraption used by the romans to execute people.  Not only that the understanding that Christ died on the cross... for our sins... cuz we couldn't do it on our own... yo as follower of Christ i admit not only to being a sinner but not even being big enough or great enough to even handle that sin myself.  So really lets be real people of Christ, we shouldn't have this holier than thou attitude about what's right or wrong in the way people are cuz then your judging, just love people for people and hate sin for sin, hating the sin don't mean you can't love the person.  Present what it means to be a Christian and really let God reveal Himself, i honestly believe that you can't save the world yo... and you don't save souls... cuz for real it's Jesus who saves, he just allows us to participate in the process.