"to all those lost souls who have forgotten to believe in the immensity of love"

 

So i need to address something.  Firstly... recently some people have decided to talk about my recent break up with Jen.  Look if you don't know our decision as to why and how we came abouts going out and how we came about breaking up... the mouth should remain shut.  Saying stuff about me to her really doesn't make her feel any better and really kinda just pisses her off too, we are still friends- going through a tough time as friends.  Oh and if anyone here's i'm leaving OCAC because well that's the thing i do when i break up, that's a first...cuz i've neverr left OCAC because of a girl before.  I left OCAC (no i should say just church in general.. it wasn't just OCAC people it was stuff going on at the church i grew up in that was sooooooo wrong) because i was sick of hearing people talk about God and their holier than thou attitude at church when their words (refer to all this stuff about me) about other people. funny thing is you very people were the ones that were part of the reason i left.  Then you went on to never contact me and blame my then girlfriend as the reason i left.  Here's a little bulletin. Even though she wasn't a Christian, she encouraged me more to go to church than anyone else in the world.  So don't you dare put any blame on her, cuz she doesn't deserve any of the blame for me not attending.  It was my decision.  if your going to blame anyone look in the mirror at those dinners at Man's kitchen.  i a'int absolving myself of the matter.. i found myself getting caught up in the gossip and i didn't like it..so i took myself out of the situation.  In regards to Jen and I, how come other people got to talk about us behind our back without talking to us? A lot of people want to know what's going on but they get the "gossip" and don't even talk to us again.  

 

Secondly.  "If you don't know me, don't judge me, what you talking 'bout?" -that's to quote Firestar (from the group ONYX - old school hip hop).  Someone (and i a'int going to name names or nothing cuz the person or persons knows who's they are - and ppl don't ask me cuz really i a'int going to sell out anybody elses dirty laundry, that'd be doing the same thing i'm fuming about anyone thinking of wanting to play on more about this rumor or gossip should really just shut up cuz you probably don't know that persons circumstance)...which brings me to the point.. do you really know my situation? do you really know my walk? do you really know where i been? -probably not but you like to talk. not just about me but everyone.  Yo. you can keep talking 'bout me i don't care. i'm more addressing this cuz it hurts jen. i'm also addressing this cuz i hear you talk about the guys in my small group.  yo... that most definitely a'int cool.  You question my charachter and how i won't be able to achieve my goals.  What goals may i ask you do i have? What do you think i am looking to accomplish? can you respond to that (that's a rhetorical question... because the answer is..) you can't. cuz i know you've never asked. i know you don't know because of what you've said.  my goal is to do what God has planned for me. the only trick to that is ..i'm not doing anything..but allowing God to do it (you by your actions don't understand how that works).  I ask you before you judge my charachter to look at your own.  If you are such a holy and just as you claim in order to judge not only my own charachter, but from what i understand everyone elses.  How much "fruit" have you beared.  Can you say that with full confidence give a name of someone who would stick up for you right now and say... this person has helped me discover who God or would the number of people that would say that you have hurt them or discouraged them more through your words and actions. (don't need to answer that one..that's between you and your God).  For me i can say that i have beared fruit for Christ in my past, not because of anything i've done but i've allowed God to work through me and because of who He is.  Now if you want to continue to judge my charachter. Judge this ... i don't like you... i think everyone knows this it a'int even something i try to hide.  Yet i've spent the last year praying for you.  That God could work with you and for you.  So this is the point though that i've prayed over the last few weeks. In Matthew 10:12-14, it says "As you enter the home give it your greeting.  If the home is deserving let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you.  If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust of your feet when you leave that home or town.  Truly I will tell you, it will be more bearable".   Now verse 15 is the hard part that i was trying to swallow more, i feel awful at knowing the consequence of living right, not because i'm holier but rather because i've lived on wrong before, and i do not live a life without consequence.  I'm done man.  If anyone talks about you whether in positive or negative i won't respond. I a'int say anything.  .

 

Don't talk about they guys in guys small group, guys who have commited themselves to learning more about Christ and how it can be manifested through there lives.  They don't complain just about school man.. they got way more balls than you by making that commitment and trying to.  Don't hate and bring people down... it's a great way to lift yourself up.  But each one of those guys is growing and making a difference in peoples lives.  I will stand up for them and i will not let anyone bring them down and make them believe they can't do anything by Christ.  None of them have to come.. they choose to come. I know they don't come for Cal or for me... maybe Cal, but the they come cuz they want to know more about who God is and how God can use them.  So don't speak of them in the negative and bash them behind their backs.  Cuz i'm standing up for each and everyone of them. I'd rather take your blows of negativity before it gets to any of them. Don't hate on them.  

 

Before you sit and indict and judge anyone whether Christian or not, look at yourself first.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote in his book  The Cost of Discipleship, "The only man, who has the right to say that he is justified by grace alone is the man who has left all to follow Christ". 

 

I put all judgement in Gods hands. I am confident in the way i've lived and the way i've dealt with this situation.  Continue to slander if you wish but the only prayer is that God be the judge of either one of us.  If you a'int able to say that man, you got some serious thinking to do.  If you feel that you talking about jen and i or even judging my charachter behind my back, is ok with God, then i dare you to challenge Him to judge you on that.  Good luck.  **edit> this originally said anyone is welcome to share a comment... i felt this was wrong, this is not a guess who game and this is not to bring anoyone down.. this is addressing something said about me without knowing or understanding anything to do with my circumstances. any comments will be deleted..  If there is anything to be said about me address me. If there is anything to be said about Jen and I, really people should come to us... or stop talking.

 

My life continues and there are people that i believe deserve a greater investment of my time and my prayers. 

 

A good friend and brother gave me this quote as encouragement This is what's true, this is what's not. Have made and will make mistakes that I'm not proud of, but I stand on what is right and strive for righteousness" . I can go to sleep at night knowing that right now in my life if Christ was to return, i have done my best for Him.  I've made my mistakes, i a'int going to back down from saying that i'm perfect, i accept that AND i accept the consequence of those mistakes and the judgement that God has punished me with for those mistakes.  I live with those everyday.  He has shown grace on me though and blessed me, my life is bigger than a little church drama someone wants to start.  My life is for Christ.  In the past it hasn't been, but i know the direction i'm going.  I'm ready to die for it, if it brings glory to Him.  I believe it so much i'm giving up all my hopes, dreams and aspiriations i had to pursue it.  Not becaue i'm guilted into it but because i really want too, I understand that Christ died for me... even when i was undeserving, He doesn't owe me anything else.  If Christ did return i'm cool with all that's been said... He knows my heart and thoughts better than i know my own.