12.29.2004

"i used to think i was strong... until the day it all went wrong...i think i need a miracle to make it through"

i been so heavy hearted lately... this holiday's i just been going through the motions. i realize that i a'int that happy at where i am right now at this point in my life. like i said in my last blog 2004...was pretty much shit. doesn't seem to be ending that great either... U might have heard that a tsunami his S.Asia... well it also hit my hometown.. that sucks bigtime, thank God (props big guy), that my all my fam's safe..even though my uncles restaurant is covered under a giant wall of mud. seeing stuff like this gets me thinking though.. wow life is precious and everyday is precious... but we can get so caught up in it we forget to live life.

i guess i'm more jaded now... (my thoughts may bounce around..sorry if i do..for those who have had a conversation with me, ur probably used to it)... so i know i'm not satisfied in life. i gotta figure out what i actually want to do in life... man i don't even got a life plan... maybe that's my problem. i guess i'm a simple guy i don't need a lot to be happy. i want to live comfortably, but i want to love and be loved that's what's important... maybe it's the way i was brought up or the attitude of us island ppl's that what's the use in working and slaving for things when u can't enjoy it.

i miss having someone to lean on, and to talk to. someone who asks how my day went. just knowing that someone gives a damn 'bout u.. and knowing that u got someone to think about/care about... i never do this single thing well (some of u know that)... but right now i know i a'int going to rush it.. i don't even think i'm looking, but then u meet ppl that get u to turn ur head just a little and ur like ??? ... dunno... if i act out of it, it's not that i don't care... i just don't know... but i wanna know more, i think.

i guess this is just a mumbled mess of thoughts... probably why i feel so confused/conflicted lately. a'int life fun. never know what it's going to throw at u next. (this is what happens when i don't get to the gym now)...

some know my new years resolution... i wanna write more music, i wanna try and sell one of my songs... i wanna record some of my stuff and see what happens.... i wanna figure out this thing called life... or at least resolve it to the point where i won't be as confused. i feel i need a mentor, someone who'll just really teach me the ropes...

the best thing about everything in life... is living... it's like what i wrote on my back to remind me what's important..

Peace-Faith
Love-Family
Unity-Friendship
Respect-Happiness

...i know i take life for granted... i take a lot of what i have for granted... maybe i just need a big kick in the ass... or maybe i just want someone to believe in me. hmmm...

i can't deny who i am, where i been, where i'm at. i can define where i'm going... just gotta figure it out.... neways that's my mumbled messed up thoughts..... if it doesn't make sense, too bad! cuz it doesn't make sense to me anyways. lol...

posted by SilQ @ 1:33 AM

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